


Soldier

by MarkoftheAsphodel



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu | Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War
Genre: Any sketch thing implied or present in Jugdral canon is fair game, Coming of Age, Military Training, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarkoftheAsphodel/pseuds/MarkoftheAsphodel
Summary: An orphaned child with an uncertain place in the world forges a self-identity at the intersection of dreams and duty.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 25





	1. something borrowed

**Author's Note:**

> In a sense, I've been grappling with this story for years. In a sense, it was sparked by pure spite over a handful of people being small-minded on Reddit and a scenario in a Forging Bonds event in FEH that ticked me off.

_Part One_

It wasn’t until they reached Leonster Castle that Finn had any idea at all something might be amiss. Finn’s new governess said it was time for a bath, which was fine by Finn because after several days of travel in the carriage everything felt grubby. The bathroom at the palace was even nicer than Mother’s had been, all tiled in blue and white with a thick silver tap shaped like a dolphin and a large mirror above the basin. Finn couldn’t wait to play in the water and churn the hard soap into thick bubbles.

The maid helping with the bath shrieked. She put her hands up to her face and backed out and let the door swing shut behind her.

Finn decided everything must have been very grubby and so got into the bath and proceeded to scrub and wash and scrub some more and sit in chin-deep water until everything was very clean and pink. The soap smelled like lemons and the white foam it made looked almost like whipped cream. 

It did not taste like whipped cream, or lemon custard, or anything good, but Finn was very hungry after three days of dried fruit and biscuits and couldn’t be faulted for trying. All the while, the maid and the governess were talking just beyond the door. Then the maid came in and laughed a little in a way Finn didn’t entirely like and said it was time to dry off and go to bed, because the Queen wanted to see Finn in the morning.

So Finn was dressed in a nightshirt and put to bed— a much nicer bed than at home, with four posts and feathers atop the posts. The governess said the room had been Princess Alienor’s, but now she was dead and it was Finn’s for a time and Finn should express deepest gratitude to Her Majesty in the morning. This made perfect sense to Finn, who fell asleep happily on the soft, soft sheets and pillows scented with lavender.

-x-

In the morning, Finn got dressed in the best outfit from home— the soft gray coat with two rows of buttons down the front, and the pale-blue trousers, and the gray buckled boots. Finn didn’t like the buckled boots as much as a pair of buttoned boots that’d been outgrown and left behind but the buckled ones would have to do.

The maid was upset again. 

“You dressed yourself?”

“I do every morning,” said Finn.

And so that was the outfit Finn wore to meet Her Majesty, who wasn’t dressed as grandly as Finn expected but perhaps queens didn’t dress up for breakfast. Her gown was a rich red like the curtains in the drawing room back home and her hair was swept up in a knot, and while she didn’t have a crown on, Her Majesty wore a necklace of four large pearls set around a red gem.

Her Majesty was very kind and offered Finn almond cookies and a cup of tea that tasted like milk and flower petals. Finn said all the things that Governess expected should be said, and a few things Finn personally thought ought to be said, and after that Her Majesty asked lots of questions. She asked about Finn’s likes and dislikes, what toys and games Mother and Father had allowed, the sorts of clothes Mother and Father provided, when and how Finn learned to ride a pony, and what sort of equipment the pony used, and more. The questions seemed stranger and stranger to Finn but it was the queen asking, so Finn tried to answer.

And then when breakfast was over, Her Majesty patted Finn on the head and left, and Finn returned to the room that used to be Princess Alienor’s.

“Do you understand what is happening, Finn?” asked Governess.

“Father spent all our money on a loan to Miletos to fund the border wall and the loan went under the water and Mother and Father drank the bad wine and now I am here.” 

Finn didn’t exactly understand what a loan was, but it was very evidently bad. Most things, including Thracians and the bottle of red wine that’d stained the carpet around Mother when Finn found her, were bad.

But Governess made a strange face and she bent over so her eyes were closer in level to Finn’s own. Finn didn’t like that and stepped back.

“We were not given to understand that you are a girl,” said Governess.

Finn blinked.

“Father said I’m supposed to be a soldier,” said Finn then. “So I can to go to the border and build the wall so high even the Thracians can’t fly over it ever.”

After that, Governess did not ask again about being a girl, but Finn noticed the toys and clothes that Governess soon provided, thanks to Her Majesty, were somewhat different from the ones back home. There were dolls and dresses that had been Princess Alienor’s, and Finn handled them as though they were treasures and hoped the dead Princess didn’t mind too much. And there were toy soldiers in a carved chest and a wooden shield and helm to play at being a soldier, and since these had been Prince Quan’s before he went off to school far away, these too were treasures to Finn.

When the queen caught sight of Finn playing in the garden in Prince Quan’s old wooden armor and Princess Alienor’s hyacinth-blue dress, she laughed and laughed until Finn stopped playing and stared at Her Majesty in concern. But it was a good laugh, Finn decided, not the way the maid still laughed sometimes.

Finn quite liked the queen. Finn didn’t want to be sent Miletos as collateral, whatever that was (probably bad), and Her Majesty made sure that didn’t happen, and that was something to be grateful for.

-x-

When Lord Quan came home on holiday from the school in Grannvale there was a parade through the castle town. Finn wore Princess Alienor’s blue dress to watch the parade and stood on the city wall among the pages and maids-of-honor, peeking through the gaps in the wall down at the Crown Prince and his entourage. Lord Quan rode a fine chestnut horse that stepped proudly through the flowers tossed under its hooves, and the gold trim on the prince’s jacket and the silver on his boots sparkled in the sun. Finn stared down at the future king of Leonster and thought him the most splendid thing imaginable.

At dinner that evening, Lord Quan still wore the smart black-and-white jacket with the gold trim, and Finn longed to reach out and touch a bit of that finery, but Quan didn’t seem impressed by Finn in the hyacinth-blue dress.

“A replacement sister? I didn’t ask for such,” said the prince, and ignored Finn the rest of the dinner. Since Finn was generally ignored unless the queen was being kind that day, it didn’t hurt but it did feel strange somehow.

That evening, Finn laid Princess Alienor’s gown safely away in the wardrobe and in the morning put on the fine outfit from home with the trousers and the buckled boots. The buckled boots pinched a little and Finn decided to ask Governess to ask Her Majesty for some new ones— and not buttoned this time, either, but tall ones like Prince Quan’s, with decorations at the top. Finn did not expect to get them but planned to ask nonetheless.

Finn then took up the wooden helm and shield and went out into the gardens to play; since Finn came to the castle already knowing how to read and say prayers, the tutor that Governess first hired didn’t have much to do and a new tutor hadn’t been brought on yet, so nobody minded if Finn spent the day playing as long as nothing got lost or broken. Today Finn played out a favorite scenario, that the Thracians were flying over the border wall on their wyverns and Finn must stop them with the magic shield and an invisible lance. 

“Send for reinforcements!” Finn called out, making echoes in the courtyard as the shadow of a flock of starlings passed over the sun.

“Reinforcements are here,” came a voice from behind.

Finn lowered the shield into a protective stance and began to turn, cautiously, peeping over the edge of the shield. Lord Quan stood there on the garden path, glittering in the sun. Finn felt warm and shaken; these were Lord Quan’s old toys, after all, and perhaps Quan was annoyed at the sight of Finn using them. Finn crossed the distance to Quan, laid down the shield at the toes of Quan’s beautiful black leather boots, and took off the helmet to offer it back to its rightful owner.

“Your helmet, my lord?” Finn’s voice sounded silly and small now.

“I’ve a better one now,” said the prince, and his voice sounded warm and kind in a way it hadn’t at dinner the night before. “You may keep it. You’re defending our border?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“I don’t need a new little sister,” said the prince, with the sun bright on his hair. “But I need soldiers. Will you stand with me?”

“Yes! My lord,” Finn added quickly.

“You’ll need more than a shield to fend off the beasts of the south. How does a lance sound, Finn?”

Finn, overcome with excitement, could only nod at first.

“And boots? These… got small. Soldiers need boots,” Finn added quickly, hoping to sway the prince.

“And boots. Now, let’s fight today with what we have. Charge!”

The prince shouted, and Finn shouted too, and their voices echoed together against the ancient stone walls as the starlings flew away in a black cloud.

_to be continued_


	2. to run with the boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn's wish to become a knight in training is granted, but the path isn't exactly... prepared.

Lord Quan made true on his promise of boots and a wooden practice lance. The boots had been Quan’s own, now outgrown, and when he returned to school the prince also left to Finn one of his old jackets, stripped of its silver braid and royal crest but fine nonetheless. Finn wore the jacket to bed until Governess insisted this stop. Governess also insisted that Finn at least continue to wear Alienor’s dresses some days out of the week and didn’t accept “Lord Quan was upset by it” as a reason to stop. Finn felt it was a small betrayal of the princes’s will every time the dresses came out of the wardrobe, even if they were indeed lovely dresses, silk and brocade with lace frills and tassels and buttons of pearls or carved stone.

Finn wondered how some of the lace and tassels from Alienor’s dresses might look upon Quan’s jacket.

Governess sighed when, one day, some of Alienor’s old finery showed up on Quan’s jacket, but as she insisted Finn learn to sew and embroider, it was her own doing, really. Just as it was her own doing when Finn learned enough of sewing to convert the most worn of Alienor’s dresses into a smart new jacket, midnight blue with satin cuffs and pearl buttons.

Prince Quan approved of the jacket on his next visit home, and this more than made up for the fact that Governess did not.

-x-

Count Dorias sent a request to Finn to come meet with him right after Finn turned eleven. Count Dorias was the most important noble in the land after the royal family, or at least he was now that Finn’s father made those bad loans involving Miletos and drank poisoned wine and left nothing behind but Finn and a pile of debts. If Father had lived and died nobly, his title would surely have gone to Finn in time and everything might’ve been different, but since Father hadn’t, Finn now must to stand before Count Dorias while Dorias decided what the future held for Finn.

Dorias sat at a great wooden desk carved from the timbers of a ship that once belonged to Queen Njörun. He had many papers in neat piles tied with ribbon on the desk, held in place by lovely paperweights of carved wood or bronze, all in the shape of horses. A wine glass rested by the count’s hand, but the glass was empty with no wine in sight, and that had to mean something.

“Finn, is it?”

And Finn nodded because there wasn’t anyone else by that name at court who might be paying a visit to Count Dorias that day.

“Her Majesty tells me you’ve expressed the wish to become a knight.”

“Yes, sir!”

“We can place you in the Royal Guard as a bow knight-in-training with no trouble at all. Will that be a future to your liking, Finn?”

It would not be.

“I want to be a soldier in the Lanceritter under Lord Quan,” Finn said, trying very hard to sound respectful to the count because it was the count’s due.

“To be a bow knight in the Royal Guard is a fine career, Finn. I’ve a daughter some years younger than you, and she’s already learning to fire her toy bow from her pony. I can see a bright future for her in the Guard, and I’d want as good a course in life for you as for my own daughter. I’m sure that’s what your father envisioned when he encouraged you on the path of a knight so many years ago.”

“I am not anyone’s daughter, sir. I want to ride with Lord Quan and be a… a… military man like him.”

For that was what Lord Quan had started saying of himself whenever he was home on the holidays and something fussy like a dance or a banquet came up and Lord Quan didn’t find that interesting.

Dorias was silent for a long moment, then said in a strangely kind voice, “Finn, you are familiar with the Royal Stakes?”

“Yes, sir.” 

Finn watched as Dorias cupped one hand around the wine glass on his desk.

“It’s a race for colts. Few fillies enter and fewer still place. Still, not that many years ago, a filly was entered in the race— a beautiful creature, Eight Bells by name. From the time she was a foal, she ignored the other fillies in the paddock and would race against the colts on the other side of the fence, leaving them in her dust. So, when she reached the age, she was entered in Royal Stakes instead of the Queen’s Derby, the better to run with the boys.” 

Finn knew how this story ended, but Count Dorias was the one telling it, and so Finn kept silent.

“She crossed the finish line in second place, the winner of a silver cup. Just past the line, even as the spectators cheered, she went down on both front legs.”

At this, Dorias snapped the stem of the glass; Finn flinched as a section of glass hit the carpet and lay there, sparkling in its ruined beauty.

“She had the heart of a champion… and ankles of glass.”

“I am sorry for the loss of your horse, sir,” Finn said when it seemed Dorias was done with the tale. “She was beautiful and Her Majesty once took me to see her and I gave her a carrot. I don’t see what that has to do with me becoming a soldier for Lord Quan.”

“Do you not, Finn? Do you not?”

Count Dorias sounded sad. There was a fleck of blood on his hand. Finn felt sorry for the glass, as it hadn’t asked to be broken to make a point that wasn’t well made.

-x-

And so, on the first day of training, Finn reported not to the little schoolroom where the future bow knights met but to the drill yard, where the pages who yearned to be lance knights under Lord Quan convened. They lined up in a row and though all of them were between the ages of eleven and thirteen, some were small and young and some of them almost seemed men grown to Finn’s eyes. Finn was not quite the smallest, and perhaps not the youngest, but was close to the last in those rankings. The boy next to Finn, with untidy light brown hair the color of end-of-summer grass and merry hazel eyes, was quite a bit taller and almost broad across the shoulders. That boy glanced down at Finn and smiled.

“I’m Glade.”

“Finn.” There was no point in saying the name of Finn’s house, as it didn’t mean anything anymore.

Then they had to be quiet because the instructor was marching up and down the line with a stern face and a great deal of shouting.

“Do you expect to be heroes, to fight against the Thracian horde and spill your blood for His Majesty!”

All the boys cheered and Finn cheered along with them, because spilling the blood of Thracians was, in a sense, why Finn was even here.

“Fools!” The instructor shouted in a voice so harsh and terrible that all of them fell silent. Some took a step back in line.

The shouting went on for quite some time as the instructor paced like some fierce cat in the menagerie looking to tear at their throats; as it went on and on Finn began to wonder if Lord Quan knew what was being done to the trainee soldiers in his name. 

“You’re lazy!”

This said to a boy with sleepy eyes and rounded shoulders.

“Slovenly!”

This said to a boy with patches on his sleeves and scuffed toes to his boots.

“Weak!”

This said to a boy with red hair, freckles, and a chin that didn’t go out as far as a chin ought to go.

And even though Finn stood there with straight shoulders, chin out, perfectly dressed, the instructor stopped in front of Finn with the look of someone who’d found maggots in the fruit bowl.

“And you… you’re a _girl_.” 

As though this were the final insult, beyond being expected to wrangle a class of the slovenly and the weak. Finn, chin still up and and eyes straight forward, spoke aloud.

“I’m a soldier.”

“What was that?”

“I am a soldier.”

“Is that right? Well, _soldier_ … you’ll be chopping onions for everyone’s supper for the next two weeks. You speak when I give you permission to speak and not one breath before.”

Everyone else seemed relieved afterwards that Finn had gotten the worst of it, but nobody said anything nice to Finn other than Glade, who shook his head and said, “Whew, that was rough. You okay?” 

“I’ll be fine,” replied Finn, because now that the instructor was out of sight things felt perfectly calm.

Working in the mess hall was of course a traditional punishment for knights in training, but it seemed to Finn that the point was to make the girl prepare food for all of the boys and men. If Finn made a mess of the onions, there would surely be more punishment for being slovenly and lazy, but when the onions for dinner were all chopped into neat little squares, Finn heard the rest of the night about how some people had their proper place in the kitchen.

The next day came riding exercises, which was at least enjoyable. Finn reported to the mess hall for punishment in a fine a mood as anyone could be with the prospect of dicing a score of onions. Today, Finn had company in the mess hall.

“I punched a kid who was making fun of the way you ride a horse,” said Glade. His hazel eyes seemed merry even when he was angry. “You’re really good on a horse.”

“I hope so,” replied Finn, who never had really learned to take a compliment when one was offered. “I learned to ride when I was three. I had a Nordion pony with a golden coat and a main and tail like cream.”

Glade whistled and said, “Your parents must’ve had some money.”

“They did, but that doesn’t matter anymore,” Finn said, already busy with the onions and the cutting board. “All that’s left is me. They even had to sell off my pony.”

“You’re different,” Glade said after shaking his head for a moment, but he was smiling again. “In a good way.”

“You are, too,” ventured Finn, hoping it was the right thing to say.

And for Finn, who’d never known any brothers or sisters, nor had any playmates beyond the lingering presence of Princess Alienor and the fleeting, wonderful presence of Prince Quan, life as a knight in training became doubly meaningful. Now, at last, there was something in Finn’s life that soldiers— aside from the ones who went off upon lonely quests— needed. 

A comrade.

_to be continued ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little daughter of Dorias is of course Selfina, future officer in the Guard.
> 
> Eight Bells is inspired by the very real tragedy of American racehorse Eight Belles.
> 
> Leonster is an interesting case of gender weirdness in its military, what with its female founding crusader and affinity for warrior princesses but overwhelmingly male military force and persistent "back to the kitchen" undercurrents.


End file.
